Most Despicable Acts Ever--Book and Movie Edition

Gracias to Lauren for following! Hope you like Pandora XD

So, after I made my lovely list of Female Romantic Interests I Like/Don't Like, I felt like making more movie/book-related lists. So, for some unknown reason, I created the following, highly sophisticated list:

The Most Despicable Acts Ever, book-and-movie edition { WARNING: potentially spoiler-esque, but not intensely so}:

1. Running away from the final blow--on your hands and knees. {Troy}

2. Massacring a guy by surprise. {The Godfather}

3. Betraying/forsaking your friends for money. {Newsies}

4. Manipulating everyone by guilt-tripping and batting your eyelashes. {Eclipse}

5. Making your guy lose his honor, pride and position to "prove" his love for you. {A Knight's Tale}

6. Deciding you're in love with a guy because he turns you on. {The Forest of Hands and Teeth}

True to my normal overly-analytical ways, I then tried to figure out what this says about me as a person. Is there a common theme in this list? What is it that really GETS me?

I decided the recurring issue is Honor. I was already fully aware of my fiercely strong opinion on honor. {It comes with being southern, I kid you not. You can steal my stuff, but you do NOT insult my momma, my honor or my land. End of story.}

The first Despicable Thing, crawling away from a final blow actually got me on my feet during the movie. I literally jumped up off the couch with an enraged gasp of disbelief. That's not how it works, buddy. You signed up for it, now TAKE IT LIKE A MAN. There is no other option. {Except I guess there was. Wuss.}

The second DT, the massacre is just absolutely sick, not to mention dishonorable. Shooting a guy til he's riddled like swiss cheese out of the blue when he's {SPOILER} on his way to kick his abusive brother-in-law's ass is just WRONG, I tell you, WRONG. URGHHHH. *grits teeth* It gets me.

DT number three {lawl, rhyme...} betraying/forsaking your friends for money doesn't directly have anything to do with honor. It has to do with LOYALTY, which is a FACET of honor. {I clearly need to do a post on honor. I think I will. Stay tuned.} Loyalty is important, and when you don't have it, you suck.

Ah, the famous guilt-tripping and batting lashes trick by Bella Swan {DT #4}. Again, nothing to do with honor, but doesn't it just make you wanna vomit? Or punch a wall? {Or a werewolf.} It's absolutely disgusting, despicable. I HATE girls who do this. If you seriously do not have a better method of persuasion than bringing up past "wrongs," you do not deserve a favor. Get a life. Get some logic. Grr.

#5, making your guy lose his *ahem* HONOR to prove his love for you. This pisses me off. I mean, yeah, it might prove that he loves you, I get that. But personally, my guy's honor is directly tied to mine, and if *I* really love him, I'm not gonna ask him to fail at something. It's just...somehow wrong.

And the sixth and final Despicable Thing, deciding you love a guy because he turns you on. {In my opinion, the whole book "Forest of Hands and Teeth" had virtually NO REDEEMING QUALITIES and this little gem only made it worse.} Hopefully I don't have to explain this one to you. Love and lust are way not synonymous, and this Mary chick doesn't even seem to know that. She genuinely thinks she loves this guy because she laid on top of him one time {long story} and was like "Ohmigawd. I feel funny."

And that concludes my rant on despicable book-and-movie moments. What are some moments that made you cringe? Do you notice any recurring themes?

~Stephanie

Character-Sexist

I think I really might be. But not against guys. Against girls. And if you know me, you know that's completely counter to my personality.

I, as a girl, can do anything. And if you tell me I can't, I will glare at you and defend myself with cold logic and prove you wrong.

But.

I hate girl characters. Books, movies, life. I just do not. like. girls. I never have. In fact, if you're my Functioning Best Friend, Cassidy, you have to sit through movies with me and listen to my gripe under my breath about what a stupid, weak, idiotic ninny every female romantic interest is.

The other day I had a lot "free time" on my hands {meaning I didn't want to be doing what I actually needed to be doing}. I decided to make a list, just to see if my suspicion was correct. I made two lists and called them "Female Characters I Like" and "Female Characters I Do Not Like."

The lists came out disappointingly close actually, with me liking 22 and hating 28. I sat on the couch and puzzled over what that was. I knew for a FACT that WAY more often than not, during kissing scenes I have to hide my fact in absolute disgust and abhorrence. So why did my lists come out so close?

Then I figured it out: I did dislike more female characters than I like, yes. BUT. The REAL difference appears when the girls are the love interest for the guys.

So I made two new lists entitled "Female Romantic Interests I Like" and "Female Romantic Interests I Don't Like."

Notes:

1) To qualify as a "Female Romantic Interest," the girl must not be the main character. I counted only the girls who played opposite male MCs.

2) If I didn't have a strong opinion one way or another, I didn't put the character on either list. The lists were for my strong opinions only.

I am now, as you've probably already guessed going to show you the two lists.

Female Romantic Interests I Like

1. Sarah {I Am Number Four}

2. Lois Lane {Justice League}

3. Hermione {Harry Potter}

4. Mistique {X-Men: First Class}

5. Marie {The Bourne Movies}

Female Romantic Interests I Don't Like:

1. Arwen {Lord of the Rings}

2. Nasuada {Eragon}

3. Arya {Eragon}

4. Sarah {Newsies}

5. Padme Amidala {Star Wars}

6. Jocelyn {A Knight's Tale}

7. Anabeth {The Lightning Thief}

8. Irene Adler {Sherlock Holmes}

9. Elizabeth Swan {Pirates of the Carribean}

10. Isabel {Ocean's 12}

11. Sally {Cars}

12. Prudy {Support Your Local Sherif}

*clears throat somewhat awkwardly* My suspicions were strongly confirmed. I do not like the girls who fall in love with the main guys.

I'm still not EXACTLY sure why, but I think it has something to do with their two-dimensional personalities. The girls aren't complex enough to be interesting or real. Either they're mousy and despicable {Sarah} or too badass and hard to be realistic {Arya, Anabeth, Adler, Elizabeth}. Can't we find some middle ground, people? Not all girls are either huddled in a corner or cussing up a storm cutting out some guy's spleen with her jeweled dagger. Some of us possess an APPROPRIATE combination of self-preservation and attitude.

And then there are the girls I just find stupid and annoying {Padme, Jocelyn, Prudy.}

And then there are the girls that I just freakin' don't like and I don't know why {Arwen, Nasuada, Sally}. I just don't know. But I do not like them.

What about you? Are you character-sexist?

~Stephanie

The Hunger Games

Have you read those books? I've only read the first two. I'm waiting for my friend to give me the third one XD But. If you have. This post will be of considerable interest to you because it's about the

MOVIE.

They're making a "Hunger Games" movie!!! And we all just happen to know someone in it, by the way. Elizabeth is an extra in the movie, and you can click HERE to hear all about her awesome experience.

Because I hate spoilers I'm going to avoid talking about the actual story in this post. I'm going to just give in to my opinionated nature and go after my thoughts on the casting decisions.

Katniss

Jennifer Lawrence

So, first of all, I wanna say that I didn't picture Katniss like this. I think Jennifer is too old and too pretty. But she IS growing on me, and I don't feel like she was a HORRIBLE choice at all. Just not what I imagined.

Some of the other considerations for the part I like a lot better. My two favorites were Saoirse Ronan and Emma Roberts. They look more "Katniss" to me.

Emma Roberts

Saoirse Ronan

Peeta

Josh Hutcherson

My initial reaction to Josh Hutcherson playing Peeta was "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO{OOO}OOOOOO!" Because I don't really like Peeta {*ducks flying objects*} and I really like Josh {at least on a superficial, hottness-wise level}. I pictured Peeta as handsome, yeah, but more of a plain, bold handsome, not so pretty-boy-hott.

Alternate picks for her include Alex Pettyfer and Lucas Till, two even WORSE picks in my opinion. I see Peeta looking more William Moseley or Beau Mirchoff. I'm reeeeeeeally feeling Beau as Peeta. Like, that's EXACTLY what I pictured except Peeta's hair is lighter.

William Moseley

Beau Mirchoff

Gale

Liam Hemsworth

Originally I loved Liam Hemsworth as Gale, but the more I look at him the more I feel like Liam is more of a Peeta. I really like Chace Crawford as Gale actually.

Chace Crawford

Effie

Elizabeth Banks

I like this choice.

Haymitch

Woody Harrelson

GREAT choice! He's the perfect Haymitch.

And that's my opinionated ramble for the day :D I'm not super dissatisfied with anyone, don't get me wrong. I think they'll all do a good job. I've seen a lot worse (IMO) casting jobs!

Can't wait for the movie!

~Stephanie

Epic Paradox

The results are in! You voted and Tall Dark and Handsome Guys (TDS) won out over the Sweet Sensitive Surfer Guys (Triple S)!

Oh and guess what. On a totally unrelated side-note, I did NOT miss my 100th post. Blogger counts drafts and threw me off. I had 100 post including all the random nonsense I had saved, but not 100 ACTUAL POSTS.

So we can still do something special :D Any ideas?

What should I do for Pandora's 100th Post Celebration?

~Stephanie

X-Men First Class

Soo, in case it wasn't obvious, I've recently been to see "X-Men First Class."

I watched the first three X-Men movies last summer and pretty much thought they were crap. Very forgettable with a weak story, weaker characters and a plotline akin to something two bored twelve-year-olds would write.

*clears throat* Sorry if you love those movies. I'm in a brutally honest mood.

So when I decided to go see the latest X-Men installment with my friends, I was prepared to hate the movie.

I was so completely wrong.

I left the theater beaming and glowing with the excited sort of energy you get after seeing something really great.

I am a total movie snob and I LOVED "X-Men First Class."

The plot was tight, the character development was topnotch, the special effects were great, and the script was perfect (witty, serious and believable). I felt like the movie was a beautifully-crafted, plausible explanation for how all the characters behave in the original movies.

I especially liked the relationship between Erik/Magneto and Charles/Professor X. I found it tremendously believable and a little bit heartbreaking.

The whole movie was absolutely brilliant, incredible. That's all there is to it.

As to be expected, my favorite character was Erik/Magneto, the antagonist of the original three movies. I found him devastatingly attractive and I can't put my finger on why. Is it just me? He's really not the type I'm usually drawn to. As a general rule I think older guys are creepy when it comes to sexiness. But not him. I was wide-eyed and captivated from the moment I saw him.


I cannot wait to see this movie again.

~Stephanie

Somebody Get Me a Glass

So, on a quick side note, guess what? THIS IS PANDORA'S 100TH POST! WOOOOT! I probably should have seen this coming and planned something. But. I didn't. So you get this instead.

Gets me every time.

~Stephanie

Star Wars: Retold

So, remember the time I directed a Star Wars III play when I was eleven even though I hadn't actually seen the movie? {No? 'Kay, click HERE.}

Turns out I'm not the only one who can summarize Star Wars with moderate accuracy despite not having seen it. I came across a video today of a girl summarizing the original Star Wars trilogy in 3 minutes and 43 seconds. The catch?

She's never seen a whole Star Wars movie.

Ah, what a kindred spirit.

So, if you have 3 minutes and 43 seconds to spare {which you don't, but you're going to watch this video anyway}, have fun with this. It's pretty funny XD

~Stephanie

The Ten Commandments

Today is the day before Easter. Do you know what that means?

"THE TEN COMMANDMENTS" COMES ON TV TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I was little, the family would turn on this 1956 movie every night before Easter. It started at 7pm and went off at midnight, so I was never allowed to see the whole thing. I usually had to go to bed around 9 o'clock, but here's the thing: if you sat on the stairs just right, you could see the reflection of the TV in a picture on the wall. So my little sister Sarah and I would just go halfway down the stairs, pop a squat and watch until we couldn't keep our eyes open.

Which would be around 10 o'clock, so I hadn't actually seen the whole movie until a few years ago.

There were a few years, like between 11 and 14, that I didn't care enough to watch "The Ten Commandments" even though I could have. Two years ago when I was 15, I pushed everything aside for that night and stayed up through the whole thing. BIG DEAL :D

The last year I was lame or something and, like, didn't watch it. What a loser.

This year, I've been looking forward to the movie since about January. I'm not kidding. Every once in a while during the day, I'll get a craving for the movie. It just hits me--*BAM* "Oh mannnn, I can't wait until 'The Ten Commandments' comes on!!!"

I think it's more the principle of the thing than the actual movie. But the actual movie is pretty awesome too.

{Secretly I think 50% of the reason I love it is because Yul Brynner is Rameses/Pharaoh ;)

And about 45% is because of Joshua, who pulls off "Hebrew slave" pretty dang well.
}

So, while there are also a lot of good spiritual reasons to watch the movie {even though it's not really accurate, so that bothers me}, you can also watch it for Yul Brynner and John Derek.

And Charlton Heston is in it too. Whatever.

;)

~Stephanie

"Red Riding Hood"

{Random Observance: Note how awesome it is that the "CurrentObessions" list on the left is in a perfect stair-step thing. I didn't even plan that. I love my life.}

Soo, the other day Rebecca kind of asked me what I thought of the movie "Red Riding Hood." So, being the opinionated individual I am, I decided to post a reviewish thing. I shall try to steer clear of spoilers.

Critics have not been nice about "Red Riding Hood." Rottentomatoes.com gave it, um, rotten tomatoes. IMDb gave it 4.6 out of 10. All the newspapers were condemning it as a cheap Twilight knock-off.

Maybe that's why I thought it was good.

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't the movie of the century, and I don't especially want to own it, but after bracing myself for a massive failure, it really wasn't that bad. There wasn't a lot to the story line, but it was suspenseful enough to get away with it. The character development wasn't GREAT, but it wasn't the worst I've seen.

Really, I think it's suspense and mystery that pull it off. You cannot figure out who the wolf is. Almost everyone in the movie is implicated at one point or another, so you're left just as conflicted as the main character, Valerie.

However, even though the suspense is pretty good, it's not a scary movie. AT. ALL. I'll be honest, I've never seen a legit "horror movie." I was sort of excited at the thought of seeing one, even a low-grade one. Well, "Red Riding Hood" did not satisfy that, that's for sure. I think I jumped twice, and it was slight. My fourteen-year-old sister saw it, and she's not exactly Richard the Lionhearted. She was fine with "Red."

The love story of the movie takes a bit of a backseat. I thought that was a breathe of fresh air after the Twilight movies, which seem completely driven by how loudly Bella and Edward can breath while they eat each others' faces. The kissing scenes in "Red" actually made you want the guy, instead of a barf bag.

The decision between the two fellows, Peter and Henry, is also 100 times more difficult than the Edward-Jacob dispute. Both Peter and Henry are good-looking with desirable character traits, and neither one of them is pasty or controlling. (Personally, I'm partial to Peter, which is no surprise to anyone who knows me.)

Overall, I actually liked the movie. I'm not sure why, because I'm a total movie snob and I figured I'd hate it. But I didn't. It might be really bad and somehow I don't see it, or maybe the critics are just looking at it wrong. See for yourself and let me know what you think.

~Stephanie

Freaks | Introduction | Monster Marketing

Week 15 | Freaks | Contents

Tuesday | Poetry | La Grand Guignol de Silkworm

Wednesday | Fiction | One of Us! One of Us! 

Thursday | Music | RPGs Are Like Guitars

Friday | Chapbook | The Bearded Woman, by Blake Lynch

Saturday | Mixtape | Offensive Narratives, by Spring Offensive

WARNING: THIS ARTICLE MAY STERILIZE YOU WITH FEAR

I admit there's an element of brutality in all my work - it's part of the truth about human existence I always want to explore - but the last thing I'm trying to do is put on some kind of freak show, inviting people to get off on other people's pain and humiliation.

Todd Solondz

This week you are in for a freak-treat, monsters, mutants and madness.

It is no coincidence that freak shows have been popular throughout history. One of the earliest examples is Lazarus Colloredo and his parasitic twin brother John Baptista who toured 17th century Europe. The upper body and left leg of Baptista protruded from the torso of his mobile brother Lazurus. According to historical records, Lazarus was a handsome and charming man apart from this brother dangling before him. In 1884 the legend Joseph Merrick exhibited as ‘The Elephant Man’. More recently, ‘999 Eyes Freakshow’ started up as the last genuine traveling freakshow in the United States. This brings us right up to the present where we have the current series of Big Brother.

In short, oddness is and has always been a commodity, as such is sold and bought, and for it to sell well, marketed.

The seed of this article was sown from the Ballad of Ekimo Nell, which Phil posted up the other day. The ballad itself was news to me but the movie poster was not. I remember first seeing it as a kid in a book called 'Worst Movie Posters of All Time' - which is probably 'The Most Inappropriate Name of a Poster Book of All Time' as it contained some of the most fantastic images and tag lines of movie history. It is book about selling monsters, pandering to our love of freaks and making freak mountains out of odd molehills.

I’d like to introduce you to a few of my favourites (apologies some of the images are poor, it's difficult to find decent ones as much of the evidence of the below movies has been tactfully destroyed)

5. The Groove Tube

K-S/Syn-Frank Enterprises

All is revealed in The Groove Tube. What turns the apes on? What makes a cop dance in the street? Who chases her through the woods? What Can Butz beer do for you? What has the night tonic done for her? Why are they eating grass? Produced, written and directed by Ken Shapiro. Oh Ken, you loon. 

4. Fire Maidens From Outer Space

Eros Films

A poster plastered with outrageous cut-price thrills, it promises both sex-starved beautiful aliens and some planet-ravishing creature of horror.  At the time, Picturegoer’s reviewer hailed it with the words: “A film I nominate as the stupidest ever”.

3. Queen of Outer Space

Allied Artists

A Zsa zsa Gabor classic – with a poster depicting Gabor languidly spread across the Venusian landscape wrapped by images of men romping with laser gun toting girls and another of a man grapping with a giant spider. Released in 1958, set in 1985.

2. The Dead One

Grand National Pictures

A deserving second place for the list of sights on offer.

SEE The Voodoo Princess call on the dead one to Kill! Kill! Kill!
SEE The Dead Ones come to life within their coffins
SEE Exotic rituals bring the dead to life
SEE Beautiful dancing girls


1.    The Black Scorpion

Warner Bros.

The chart topper of this little list because of the host of  most excellent tag lines including...

“We defy you not to get a genuine case of the horrors”

“Uncut! Shown exactly as filmed”

 And best of all, "Don't be ashamed to scream, it helps to relieve the tension"


Sleep tight,

James “The Human Human” Harringman
Editor-in-chief