COURTROOM, INT, DAY
Where we left off from the end of THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM: PAMELA LANDY (played by JOAN ALLEN), having faxed information about the US government’s involvement in illegal activities to all of the major news organisations, is about to give her testimony before an international court. She smiles, bravely. Behind her, the GUARDIAN is shuffling papers.
PAMELA LUNDY:
The truth about Operation Treadstone and Operation Blackbriar is that-
At the back, a REPORTER WHO DIDN’T GET ACCESS TO THE LEAKS gets to his feet.
REPORTER WHO DIDN’T GET ACCESS TO THE LEAKS:
Why, this whistle-blowing is mere tittle-tattle! Anyone with half a brain already knew that the US was breeding amnesiac super-soldier paramilitaries and forcing them to shoot a helpless prisoner as their rite of passage!
ANOTHER REPORTER chimes in.
ANOTHER REPORTER:
Furthermore, these so-called revelations are nothing but treason against the state. The lives of our brave amnesiac super-soldier paramilitaries are being endangered! Governments need to keep their amnesiac super-soldier programmes secret, otherwise people might complain about them and the nation's image would be damaged!
(Pause; having a thought)
Why, this woman's a traitor!
PAMELA LUNDY:
(Visibly shaken)
But...but this is palpable evidence that the USA has an attitude towards world politics entirely at odds with the image of the free moral crusader that they’ve been projecting. Anyway, America isn’t even the only entity that comes off badly here. You see, the big TNCs, such as-
In the back-row of the courtroom, a REMARKABLY WELL-DRESSED WEALTHY-AND-POWERFUL-LOOKING MAN (played by MICHAEL DOUGLAS, just in case people don’t get the reference) coughs urgently and tugs on his earlobe three times. The JUDGE takes note.
JUDGE:
Er...yes. Well, as it happens, Miss Lundy, we’re not here to discuss these leaks. We’re here to talk to you about this dubious sex case against you that was thrown out by the prosecutor some time ago.
PAMELA looks down. The witness stand has, as if by magic, turned into a dock.
PAMELA LUNDY:
(Sadly)
D’oh.
MONTAGE.
A series of news-reports follows, to the unpleasantly on-the-nose tune of The Revolution Will Not Be Televised;
A group of internet hackers carrying out public attacks on corporations with debatable results.
BILL O’REILLY (played by CHRISTIAN BALE, who with characteristic commitment, puts on five hundred pounds for the role and shouts rather than speaking for the duration of filming) calling for JASON BOURNE’s head on a pike by sundown. He pronounces it ‘Bo-urne’ to try and make it sound foreign and, therefore, bad.
VLADIMIR PUTIN being a wind-up merchant.
JULIAN ASSANGE actually receiving his Nobel Prize; coincidentally, the countries that refuse to attend are the exact countries that attended when Liu Xiaobo got his.
An all-out war of information and misinformation, subjectivity and bias, between the ‘establishment’ press and the anarchy of the Internet.
MATT DAMON posting another video ranting about how SARAH PALIN shouldn't be allowed near the Presidency. It isn't as funny as the last one.
The UN, INT, DAY
BAN-KI MOON (played by JACKIE CHAN, because audiences’ll never know the difference) is sitting in his office. The phone rings. He picks it up.
BAN-KI MOON:
Annyong.
We hear the voice of HILLARY CLINTON, vice-president of the US (played by MERYL STREEP).
HILLARY CLINTON:
(V.O.)
Annyong, Ban. Whew, what a day! Everyone in uproar about the latest scandal. I, er, I bet you’ve completely forgotten about that whole ‘spying on the UN’ thing, haven’t you? That’s the problem with this ‘information overload’ – our attention spans are getting shorter and shorter.
BAN-KI MOON:
(Interrupting her)
I haven’t forgotten.
HILLARY CLINTON:
(V.O.)
Oh.
(Pause)
Ahm, anyway...just wanted you to know, everything’s all right with us. We’re the good guys again.
(Pause)
Again again. So, uh, are we cool?
BAN KI-MOON sighs. But he’s no fool.
BAN KI-MOON:
Yes. Yes, of course. If you don't mind, Mrs Clinton, I really have to be getting on with my work...
HILLARY CLINTON:
(V.O.)
Get some rest, Ban.
(Pause)
You look tired.
BAN KI-MOON freezes. He turns and stares, frightened and overwhelmed, out of his window and into the sky-scraper-dominated city.
ROOFTOP, INT, DAY
HILLARY CLINTON lowers her sniper rifle. She looks thoughtful for a moment.
HILLARY CLINTON:
Yeah. In retrospect, all of these Noughties-era thrillers that end with a brave whistle-blower exposing abuses of power and being praised for it are going to seem really, really ironic.
THE END.
