This one is the entire draft script of the first episode of the next season of classic animated comedy show, South Park. I’ve only had a chance to skim through this myself, but I think this alone should be evidence against the naysayers who argue that South Park has become stale, gloating and predictable. Nobody could have predicted this episode, provisionally titled, ‘CARTMAN TAKES A LEAK PART 1 OF 5: THE EPIC SAGA'.
SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, INT, DAY
CARTMAN is running through the hallway, knocking children to either side. The fat little bastard is panting, and clearly very excited about something.
CARTMAN:
He’s coming! He’s coming!
He’s coming! He’s coming!
He finally runs out of breath, coming to a halt, in front of STAN, KYLE and KENNY.
STAN:
Who’s coming, Cartman?
CARTMAN:
You guys are not going to believe this.
(Slowly, with emphasis)
Julian Assange is coming to South Park.
Julian Assange is coming to South Park.
KYLE:
Oh, fuck.
STAN:
(Confused)
Dude, who’s Julian Assange?
KYLE:
He’s that asshole who leaked US documents and posted them online.
He’s that asshole who leaked US documents and posted them online.
CARTMAN:
Fuck you, Kyle! Julian Assange is a hero! You’re just pissed off because you know he has the files about how you Jews secretly rule the world and you invented AIDS to wipe out all the goyim.
KYLE:
Fuck you, fatass!
CARTMAN grabs hold of BUTTERS, who’s passing by.
CARTMAN:
Butters. Butters. You think Julian Assange is a hero, don’t you?
KYLE:
No, he thinks Julian Assange is a butthole. Don’t you, Butters?
BUTTERS:
(Hesitantly, as always)
Oh, gee, fellas...I don’t want to upset the government but...feels like we have a right to know everything they get up to and all.
KYLE:
No, we don’t! Butters, how could you have fallen for this narrative in which an entity which is not a hero, whose motives are in fact grubby and self-serving, gets made out to be one?
BUTTERS:
Well, uh, gee, Kyle...
CARTMAN:
Don’t listen to him, Butters. He’s just trying to stop us from finding out those Protocols of the Elders of Zion. Well, we won’t let him.
He turns, and announces to the crowded hall,
CARTMAN:
Everyone – everyone! I have an announcement to make.
Everyone – everyone! I have an announcement to make.
(Pause; dramatically)
In the spirit of Julian Assange and greater transparency, it wouldn’t be fair for me to hold on to any of the secrets I’ve kept over the years.
(Pause)
Kenny jerks off to pictures of Sharon Osbourne.
KENNY:
(Denying it vehemently)
Mmmhmhmmmmm!
KYLE:
(To himself)
Oh, come on.
(Aloud)
Cartman! So you’re being completely transparent?
CARTMAN:
(Pompously)
That’s right, Kyle.
KYLE:
So are you going to tell everyone about that time you did a shit in the fountain at Disneyland?
CARTMAN goes very still. He seems to be trying to come up with a comeback.
CARTMAN:
Fuck you, Jew!
TOWN HALL, INT, DAY
A crowded audience. RANDY, SHARON and STAN are seated. STAN looks bored. RANDY looks excited. SHARON looks annoyed.
RANDY:
I can’t believe we’re finally going to meet Julian Assange!
SHARON:
What’s the big deal, Randy?
RANDY:
(Visibly upset)
Oh, my God, Sharon – that is ignorant. That is soo ignorant. Julian Assange is a hero!
SHARON:
No, he isn’t! He’s a rapist!
RANDY:
Oh, my God, Sharon, that is so naive. Just believe what the government wants us to believe. Just keep on believing in what they tell you. Me, I have my own opinions. I believe what Julian Assange tells me to think.
A pause for the hypocrisy of this to sink in. SHARON facepalms.
STAN:
Dad, I want to go home!
RANDY:
Quiet, Stanley! If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
Elsewhere in the audience, JIMMY says, excited,
JIMMY:
Th-th-th-th-th-th-
(Pause)
-there he i-ui-i-i-i-i-
(Pause)
-is!
JULIAN ASSANGE steps up to the podium. He has a tortured Australian accent, acts really gay, and for some reason or another has the appearance of a man made out of straw.
The sign in front of the podium says, ‘Julian Ass’
JULIAN ASSANGE:
Hello, South Park!
The crowd goes insane.
SHARON glances to her left, where OFFICER BARBRADY is sitting. He looks excited as well.
SHARON:
Why don’t you arrest him?
OFFICER BARBRADY:
Lady, are you fucking kidding me? That’s Julian Assange! He’s a hero! He taught us to hate America again!
From onstage, JULIAN ASSANGE is beginning to speak.
JULIAN ASSANGE:
I am a revolutionary of the truth! I want to live in a world where there are no secrets whatsoever!
The crowd goes insaner.
JULIAN ASSANGE:
I have been imprisoned. Oppressed by the US. But I have an army behind me! An army of heroic Internet warriors!
QUICK IRONIC CUT TO-
BEDROOM, INT, DAY
One of JULIAN ASSANGE’s HEROIC INTERNET WARRIORS. It’s that fat guy from the World of Warcraft episode, because South Park ran out of ideas some time ago.
Yup, that's the one.
He leans back, staring blankly at the screen and clicking with his mouse. He’s very FAT.
CUT BACK.
TOWN HALL, INT, DAY
STAN looks annoyed. He stands up on his chair.
STAN:
Excuse me! Excuse me! Mr Assange! I was wondering...was it really necessary to release all those documents? I mean, American lives were endangered.
RANDY:
Stan, will you be quiet?
(To JULIAN ASSANGE)
Er, sorry, Mr Assange. My son didn’t mean any harm-
JULIAN ASSANGE waves a hand.
JULIAN ASSANGE:
Please – don’t worry about it.
(Leaning forward; gently)
Stupid little boy – do you want to be ruled by a fascist government?
STAN:
Well, no-
JULIAN ASSANGE:
Do you want an American empire with zero accountability?
STAN:
(Protesting)
But there’s no accountability, dude. There’s just you.
RANDY looks genuinely angry.
RANDY:
Stanley Marsh, that is quite enough! We’re leaving. Come on, Sharon.
SHARON:
You dragged me to this stupid meeting – now you want us to leave?
RANDY:
We are leaving, Sharon!
He grabs her roughly by the arm. She begins to struggle.
Onstage, apparently reacting to the sight of a man physically overpowering a woman, JULIAN ASSANGE looks suddenly very excited. He glances downward.
JULIAN ASSANGE:
(To his penis)
Easy there, Mr Winkle. You’ll get us in trouble again.
This would be DISTASTEFUL and LIBELLOUS if it wasn’t cutting-edge, boundary-pushing satire.
Suddenly, the doors burst open. Everyone turns.
And, standing in the doorway, is OZZY OSBOURNE.
OZZY OSBOURNE:
Where is ‘e? Where is the little fucker?
He strides down the aisle until he reaches the chair where KENNY’s sitting. He leans down and pokes KENNY in the belly.
OZZY OSBOURNE:
You! You bin wankin’ to me Sharon? Don’t even try to deny it, I ‘eard about it frough these leaks.
KENNY:
(Desperately)
Mmmhmhmhmhmm!
OZZY OSBOURNE picks him up AND BITES HIS HEAD OFF.
STAN:
(Shocked)
Jesus Christ!
Kenny, just moments before his grisly and hilarious decapitation.
KYLE turns to CARTMAN.
KYLE:
You just got Kenny killed, fatass! You and your stupid leaks!
CARTMAN:
Fuck you, Jew!
KYLE punches CARTMAN in the face. He keels over, and begins to twitch.
For some reason, everyone starts fighting.
STAN:
Everyone, be quiet!
Everyone stops fighting.
STAN:
All of you...listen. I’ve learnt something here today.
(Pause; as the gentle music strikes up)
Secrets should be kept secret. That’s why they’re called secrets. We need to trust our government to do the right thing and accept that we can’t always know everything that’s going on in the world.
(Pause)
And if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.
The crowd goes silent.
JULIAN STRAWMAN:
(Sorrowfully)
You’re...you’re right, little boy.
(Pause)
I guess I just got so caught up in trying to expose the truth...that I forgot how it’s important for governments to sometimes conceal things from us.
OZZY OSBOURNE:
(Wiping away a tear)
Let’s all go an’ ‘ave a noice cuppa tea.
For some reason, CARTMAN, still a convulsing pile of limbs on the floor, shits himself.
Everyone laughs at CARTMAN.
JULIAN ASSANGE:
Ha! What a little faggot!
Everyone laughs at CARTMAN some more.
END OF EPISODE.
A.N. If it doesn’t run to 20 minutes, we’ll stick in a subplot about Butters getting addicted to Microsoft Kinect. If it still doesn’t run to 20 minutes, we’ll include a five-minute song skit. Family Guy does it all the time.
T.P. & M.S.
P.S. If we can fit it in, I'm thinking we have a bit where Julian Assange starts jerking off to a photo of Sharon Osbourne in Cartman's bathroom. And as he jerks off, he yells,
"OH, GOD! I'M LEAKING! I'M LEAKING SO HARD! I REALLY THINK I'M ABOUT TO LEAK RIGHT NOW! OH, I CAN'T STOP THIS LEAK!"
And then he ejaculates all over Cartman as he opens the bathroom door. And Cartman blinks and says,
"Weak."
