Thanks for following, Jesayka!
Some things are harder to say than others. It's hard to tell you best friend that you can't come to her birthday party. It's hard to tell the truth when a fat person asks if you can tell they've lost weight. It's hard to admit when you're wrong.
But for me, there are three phrases in particular that I find hard to say. And when I say "hard," I mean "borderline impossible." What are they?
"I love you."
"I'm sorry."
"Help me."
Even though I know it is not true, something inside me says those words show weakness. "I love you" makes you vulnerable, "I'm sorry" makes you wrong, and "Help me" makes you inadequate.
When people tell me they love me, I can usually get out a "Love you too," but I'm rarely the one to say it first. The more I feel it, the harder it is. To tell someone you love them is like putting your fragile soul in their hands. Not only do they have the power crush it, but you just told them so! Telling people "I love you" gives them some control over you, and for some reason it wounds my pride. It feels a little like saying, "Wow, you're so amazing you've broken through my defenses." I have real trouble with that.
"I'm sorry" might be even harder. I think about my mom as I type this. She expects me to fall over myself apologizing day and night, but does she ever do it herself? No. She doesn't. Everything is always my fault, even when it isn't. As a result, I become defensive when I'm expected to say "I'm sorry." I refuse to take blame that isn't mine, and although that rarely happens around others, because of my mom I've learned to despise the words "I'm sorry."
I hate asking for help. I hate it. It makes me angry and irritable. I don't like to think that I can't do something on my own. I'm supergirl, okay? I don't need help. I'm fine. Go away. Of course sometimes help is absolutely necessary, because I'm not actually supergirl. I'm just Stephanie. But that doesn't mean I like saying "Help me" any more.
I know I can't be alone in this phrase-phobia. What about you? What are some of the things you find it difficult to say?
~Stephanie
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