See, I visited a college. It's the college I want to go to. I've known that since seventh grade, and touring it only made me more positive that it is the only place for me. Stepping onto the campus felt like coming home.
But this post is not about college. It's about me.
{It's my blog, I'm allowed to be self-centered occasionally.}
I was sitting in the auditorium filled with other high schoolers that could potentially be my fellow college-mates. And as I was sitting there, I began to obsess over my image.
"Wow, her outfit is cute. I wish I'd worn something more original."
"Everyone's hair is straight. Should I have broken my three-month streak and followed suit?"
"My makeup did really badly today. No one is going to talk to me. I look like a freak."
"Why do I feel shy? Stephanie three years ago would not have been shy."
And the obsession slowly began to sink in and gain depth.
See...I've grown up a lot the past few years. I've changed a lot. Sometimes I think I've turned out better, and sometimes I'm appalled at who I've become. It's hard to explain, and I really don't understand it myself.
I recently bought my first Aeropostale shirt. Several of them. I also own a pair of American Eagle shorts. Before this year, I had never bought higher up the fashion food chain than, like, Kohl's. I felt great about my new clothes.
Until I saw myself in a mirror and almost threw-up.
I've conformed to society a little. I can talk about stupid, vapid things with other people now {albeit for limited amounts of time}. I say "like," and "totally," and "I know, right?" and occasionally squeal. I'm really into hott actors now {okay, so I always have been, but it's definitely gotten worse}. Sometimes it's nice to fit in. But mostly I just disgust myself.
Who is this? Who am I? Which parts of me are real, and which parts of me have I become to please people? How far is too far to go? Is it okay to have Aeropostale stuff, or is that really compromising who I am? Er, used to be.
See, I used to be a total nerd. I was really into reading and writing and I actually learned book languages {the Ancient Language from "Eragon," Tolkien's Elvish, Pretty Talk, etc.}. I wore whatever clothes I wanted to and didn't care what people thought. I was a complete grammar Nazi and wouldn't hesitate to let you know that you misplaced an apostrophe. I could never bring myself to giggle excessively and I most certainly never liked something just because it was mainstream. I wasn't always easy to get along with, because I was, well, really strange.
But I was ME.
Lately I've felt really good about myself. People kind of like me, I don't look horrid in every picture anymore, I'm confident, I'm tan, I paint my nails, and I text.
*reaches for a barf bag*
But today, it all came crashing down on me like a house of cards. I'm not who I was. At all.
Normally when people say that, they mean it in a good way. But I'm not so sure. I want to be ME and not who the world makes me, but how am I supposed to do that when I don't know who ME is? I've gotten so wrapped up in being "normal" or "fun" or "cute" or whatever the hell I am that I lost the real me. She's in there, I think, but she's buried really freaking far down.
She's probably somewhere between the outspoken nerd and the giggling conformist. I really hope I can find her.
I leave for Europe in two days. I'll be gone for 19. No family, no home friends, no America. Just me and God and the great wide world. It has the potential to be a tremendous time of self-discovery, and I desperately need that.
I hope I come back changed, guys. I really miss myself.
~Stephanie
