I don't like crying.
In front of people, I abhor crying. As in, will kick/punch/scream/berate/yell at myself for months afterwards if I do so. Sunday, I did so.
It was "Hope Sunday," which is basically a Sunday where we talk about sponsoring children through World Vision. A few weeks ago, I was asked to say a few words about my child-sponsoring experience for Hope Sunday. I said, sure. And then forgot about it until, like, Sunday morning when the church was decorated in World Vision orange.
"Ohhhhh. Riiiiight. Craaaaaap." {Or something to that effect.}
But, being myself, I decided not to bother thinking about what to say. I told Cassidy I'd just wing it; I do that a lot, and I'm fine at it. In fact, in tight squeezes like that I actually do better when I just make it up as I go along.
So, it comes time for people to speak. This lady and her daughter talk about how they just got a sponsored child and it's so great to be reminded that there are starving people in the world. The daughter reads a letter they've recently gotten from their child. It's cute.
Another lady gets up and says that they're sponsoring two kids and it's great and they let their own children think of creative ways to send extra help whenever they have extra money around. It's really polished and sweet and touching and everything.
Then I get called to say whatever it is I've "planned" to say. I look at my friends like "XD" and go up and grab the microphone. I start out all polished and stuff, like I honestly normally am when I speak in front of people. I don't get nervous or emotional. I'm pretty organized and straightforward, not a lot of heartstring crud. I guess to the people who REALLY know me, I'm actually impersonal when I speak. I never thought about it before... Anyway, what I said went like this:
"Well, we started sponsoring a child when I was really little, about two years old. I was really excited and had actually been wanting to sponsor a child because I'd always wanted an older sibling. >sheepish laugh because that's no secret to anyone who's ever come in contact with me< Even one in another country was pretty cool to me. >end of mental introduction paragraph<
"We sponsored a girl named Sophan Say who lived in Cambodia. She was about eight or ten when we started. I remember in the first picture we received of her, she was barefooted and not smiling. >pause for effect<; In the second picture we received, she was smiling and had shoes on. >warm, corny smile< It was really neat for me to see that us, in the United States, were actually making a difference in someone's life across the world. >end of expected stereotypical second paragraph<
"As the years went on, we exchanged a few letters with Sophan, and eventually she got married. After a while, little drawings started to appear along with her quarterly letters and we wondered if maybe she had kids of her own.
"However, a few months ago we got a letter telling us that since Sophan had gotten married and moved away from the district, it was time for us to stop sponsoring her and give another child a chance at this great opportunity.
>I blink. I feel really weird right about now...<
"So we had to give her up.
>my voice suddenly cracks. i feel like i've literally run into a brick wall. why is my mouth quivering?? how am i supposed to speak when my voice is attempting some strange form of yodeling?? i have to go on though. um, somehow.<
"Even though we had never exchanged many letters with her... >oh my god. there are legitimate tears in my eyes. i can't TALK like this! <...I never realized how much...how much I loved her.
>my voice breaks and suddenly i'm not speaking to a group. i'm speaking to myself.<
"I wish that I had written to her. I wish I had gotten to know her better. >i didn't know i felt this way. all the sudden i'm speaking from my heart.<
"Now we have a new sponsored child, and her name is Pheakdey and she has two brothers and she likes to jump rope. >my voice is tiny and quiet and quivery and small. i have to pause and breathe.<
"And I'm determined to have a better relationship with her."
I handed the microphone off and half-ran back to my seat. I looked at Cassidy with my quivering mouth and teary eyes and said,
"I did NOT see that coming."
Wow. Sometimes when you least expect/want it, your own heart jumps into your mouth and shows you what's really going on. I hadn't realized how upset I was at myself for letting Sophan go without showing her that I cared. It really bothered me. And I will not let it happen this time.
~Stephanie
